Personal stuff

Thursday, May 11, 2006
This may be my last entry for a few days, Rocking Horse Ranch is this weekend. My daughter is now very happy about the weekend – I am thinking that the Middle School Concert stress may have prompted negative attitudes, but now that is done – she did beautifully – and can look forward to Rocking Horse Ranch. I still can use prayers for this weekend, it is supposed to rain, and I am hoping that when it rains is not during the kinds of activities the kids want to do that are outdoors. And I am praying that no one gets hurt. And I am praying hard for a gentle horse – last time we went there it was snowing, the horse I had was antsy and biting the tail of the horse in front, and I was scared stiff which horses can sense – and of course his foot slipped on the snow – his name: Avalanche. I am praying for some sort of horse like Gentle Shepherd, or Peaceful Spirit or something that will keep me safe. Of course, Avalanche kept my prayer life active.

Well, continuing in this study that is impacting me so much by Beth Moore, I wanted to share a few other things that struck home. Day two is a continuation of learning about God’s unfailing love. Pages 164-167

One thing that interested me that I could relate to, is that she did an experiment with a group of women once, one in which she told them to look into eye to eye with the person next to them and say, “God loves me so much.” The women instinctively did that, but instead said, “God loves YOU so much.” They switched the words. They talked about how much easier it is for us to see God loving the other person, rather than ourselves.

I can certainly relate to that!!! and she stated, “Why do we have such difficulty believing God could love those we perceive as good and those we perceive as bad with the same unfailing love? Because we relentlessly insist on trying to humanize God. We tend to love people according to how they act, and we keep trying to re-create God in our image.” P.164

That has been one of my biggest problems, trying to separate God from my earthly father and realize that He is loving in a way that I can’t even imagine, a way that is not a violation of my person, but an enhancement of my life. There are a lot of self esteem issues I still struggle with, and one of them is feeling unlovable, unworthy of love. I am still recovering from feeling ruined by my father’s actions – sort of sub-human. You know, the haunting question of if my parents could hate me so much to do the hurtful things they did (My testimony 3/24/06), it must be because of something that is awful in me, something that even God couldn’t love. I know that is a pack of lies, but there are still pockets of resistance to accepting fully God’s love.

We then discussed Psalm 107: 1-3, 10-22 a Psalm that shows that God will keep pursuing those who are rebellious until they finally come back to Him. Sometimes the pursuit will be corrective, but the end goal is freedom in the Love of God.

She points out that God’s love extends to the most rebellious captives and the most afflicted fools, it is not only given to those who are good, perfect and righteous. But sometimes his correction is challenging because often we do not turn to God until we are hurting so badly that we realize our need for Him – so sometimes He will let us stew in the repercussions of those rebellious acts of us until we come to our senses.

Then she states that although not all depression is a result of rebellion, rebellion can lead to depression. I think she may have something there – although before I knew God I lived in a perpetual state of depression, now a lot of times my depression is linked to pockets of resistance to God – where I keep Him out of certain areas, and end up hurting because without His help, I can’t sort out the problems. I have failed so much to solve things in my own strength, you would think I would learn that I need God in all areas, but I still struggle.

Beth asked an interesting question, P. 165 “Why do you think rebellion could lead to a deeper depression in the life of someone who has experienced closeness with God?

Have you found that to be true in your life? I am beginning to see that, now that closeness is a little developed in my life – I miss that sense of safety under God’s wings when I step out in my own power to solve a situation.

She uses a term, “Sin sick” implying that when we sin, or lose that closeness to God, then we end up in either physical distress such as eating disorders or health issues or spiritual distress which can lead to a deeper darkness and gloom. I can say honestly that I have felt sin sick.

One of the most encouraging points in this lesson (p. 167) “The best of our churches tend to welcome those captive (to alcohol, drugs, homosexuality, promiscuity, and so forth) at first, but if they don’t “fix” pretty quickly, they will probably soon be despised. We like success stories–powerful testimonies. A captive in our midst soon wears out her welcome if she doesn’t get with it pretty quickly.
In gracious contrast, God stands by us until we are free. He uses various forms of discomfort to woo us to cry out to Him, but He never forsakes us. God is the only One who is not repelled by the depth and length of our needs. Although God never excuses our sin and rebellion, He is fully aware of what drives our actions. In fact, he understands things about us we cannot even understand.”

Oh, I pray that I can fix this truth in my mind, because it is so comforting, and feels so safe. There is an incredible depth and length of need in me. And there are still deep voids and areas in me that have not yet been opened up to God. I do work at it, but the hurt was deep, so I guess the recovery is taking some time. I am grateful that God is patient with me.

I hope you have a blessed day, and if you like the holiday, a Happy Mother’s Day. If not, a wonderful Sunday.

Heather

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About Heather Marsten

Welcome to Heather's Blog. I'm looking forward to meeting you and checking out your sites. I just moved about nine years of material over from another blog site, Xanga, who may close down mid-July. At first I was disappointed to make the move because I had a lifetime membership at Xanga and had to spend weeks transferring posts. But now I'm thrilled. Already I've met new bloggers and read many new websites. Blogging is a wonderful way to expand my horizons and garner new ideas. I'm a happily married mom of three young adults. My husband and I are proud to watch our children grow and venture out into the world. My daughter is still in college but my two sons have graduated. One has a job and the other just graduated and is in the process of finding a job in his field, physics. Anyone know of any jobs out there? I'm proud of our children and love watching them grow and mature. They've become fine, compassionate, and loving people. Empty nest? Nah, I'm too busy to let an empty nest bother me. Not enough hours in the day. My husband and I enjoy quiet time together and I have many interests to pursue - one of which is blogging :D I am a born-again believer and love God. As you read this blog, you will discover that Bible studies thrill me. There is so much wisdom contained between the covers of the Bible and I am fortunate to sit under the teachings of a remarkable pastor, Pastor Don Moore. Members of our church (Living Word Chapel in West Hurley, New York) are encouraged to teach and there are visiting pastors who stop by our church, I also study the Bible on my own and love sharing what I learn. One other passion is writing. My current work in process is a memoir. A scene from my memoir was published in a book called: Heavenly Company: Entertaining Angels Unaware - an anthology of angelic encounters compiled by Cecil Murphy. I'm hoping my memoir will encourage other survivors of abuse. I grew up in a home filled with abuse, including incest. For most of my life I was searching for something that would fill the void of not being loved by my parents. I tried many ways to find that love -- therapy, relationships, occult studies, and keeping my life so filled I had no way to think about my past. It was only when I discovered God that I was able to put the pieces of my life back together and walk forward in a joyous life. My nickname - wondering has changed from wondering where the heck God was in my life, to wondering what incredible adventure is going to happen next. I hope you enjoy my site. Please say hi, share some thoughts, and ask questions. I look forward to meeting you and checking out your sites. Have a blessed day. Heather
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