Do you ever question God?
This is one of those days when I am again sorting out God issues. Please don’t get me wrong, I love God very much and am so grateful for His remarkable gift of salvation. But…
My big question has resurfaced. Perhaps someone has an answer to that question.
Where was God when I was a child being abused? (see testimony on 10/7/05).
My question centers on this. God has been shown to stop time, raise the dead, kill thousands of the enemy in one fell swoop, part the Red Sea, knock down the walls of Jericho, make the sun stand still, add 15 years to a person’s life, etc.
Soooooo why did He not intervene in my life? Did I not matter to Him?
God seemed to care more about the free will of my abuser. He certainly didn’t come up to me and say, “Heather, your father is set out to abuse someone, so do you mind if he abuses you?”
I was reading some stuff on the Father’s love for His children. Since I am supposedly a child of God, did He not care about me? Did He not care about me because my parents didn’t take me to church when I was a child, so since I didn’t know much about Him, He chose to ignore my fervent prayers? Is it possible that I just didn’t matter back then?
Was I just a pawn in some sort of game, an expendable pawn in the chess game of life?
Now, that I am saved I am supposed to totally trust God, and yet, there are still reservations. I don’t know if I can ever get to that point of perfect trust without some answers that somehow make sense in this.
I know that most will say that God is sovereign. He can do what He wants to do. And I know that the gift of salvation is paramount, but there is a part of me that is crying out to understand God’s lack of action in my past.
When I was a kid when an adult said that they loved me it meant that they wanted something from me and it was going to hurt.
In a way, I feel that if God loved me as a child it was the same sort of love, He wanted something from me (my trust and faith), and it was going to hurt (because there seemed no sense of Him.)
This is not one of my stellar days of faith, and I am sorry for the hurt of these questions, most times I can keep them under wraps and pretend things are ok. Today is not one of those days. Sorry for the glum mood.
The above being said, I am still sticking with God, for I know my life today is better because of God. I will still pray, still study, still share teachings, but I am hurting right now, and feeling that somehow that void has to be filled. This not knowing is really hurting.
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