Personal stuff re questioning God

Sunday, January 29, 2006

Do you ever question God?

This is one of those days when I am again sorting out God issues. Please don’t get me wrong, I love God very much and am so grateful for His remarkable gift of salvation. But…

My big question has resurfaced. Perhaps someone has an answer to that question.

Where was God when I was a child being abused? (see testimony on 10/7/05).

My question centers on this. God has been shown to stop time, raise the dead, kill thousands of the enemy in one fell swoop, part the Red Sea, knock down the walls of Jericho, make the sun stand still, add 15 years to a person’s life, etc.

Soooooo why did He not intervene in my life? Did I not matter to Him?

God seemed to care more about the free will of my abuser. He certainly didn’t come up to me and say, “Heather, your father is set out to abuse someone, so do you mind if he abuses you?”

I was reading some stuff on the Father’s love for His children. Since I am supposedly a child of God, did He not care about me? Did He not care about me because my parents didn’t take me to church when I was a child, so since I didn’t know much about Him, He chose to ignore my fervent prayers? Is it possible that I just didn’t matter back then?

Was I just a pawn in some sort of game, an expendable pawn in the chess game of life?

Now, that I am saved I am supposed to totally trust God, and yet, there are still reservations. I don’t know if I can ever get to that point of perfect trust without some answers that somehow make sense in this.

I know that most will say that God is sovereign. He can do what He wants to do. And I know that the gift of salvation is paramount, but there is a part of me that is crying out to understand God’s lack of action in my past.

When I was a kid when an adult said that they loved me it meant that they wanted something from me and it was going to hurt.

In a way, I feel that if God loved me as a child it was the same sort of love, He wanted something from me (my trust and faith), and it was going to hurt (because there seemed no sense of Him.)

This is not one of my stellar days of faith, and I am sorry for the hurt of these questions, most times I can keep them under wraps and pretend things are ok. Today is not one of those days. Sorry for the glum mood.

The above being said, I am still sticking with God, for I know my life today is better because of God. I will still pray, still study, still share teachings, but I am hurting right now, and feeling that somehow that void has to be filled. This not knowing is really hurting.

Heather

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About Heather Marsten

Welcome to Heather's Blog. I'm looking forward to meeting you and checking out your sites. I just moved about nine years of material over from another blog site, Xanga, who may close down mid-July. At first I was disappointed to make the move because I had a lifetime membership at Xanga and had to spend weeks transferring posts. But now I'm thrilled. Already I've met new bloggers and read many new websites. Blogging is a wonderful way to expand my horizons and garner new ideas. I'm a happily married mom of three young adults. My husband and I are proud to watch our children grow and venture out into the world. My daughter is still in college but my two sons have graduated. One has a job and the other just graduated and is in the process of finding a job in his field, physics. Anyone know of any jobs out there? I'm proud of our children and love watching them grow and mature. They've become fine, compassionate, and loving people. Empty nest? Nah, I'm too busy to let an empty nest bother me. Not enough hours in the day. My husband and I enjoy quiet time together and I have many interests to pursue - one of which is blogging :D I am a born-again believer and love God. As you read this blog, you will discover that Bible studies thrill me. There is so much wisdom contained between the covers of the Bible and I am fortunate to sit under the teachings of a remarkable pastor, Pastor Don Moore. Members of our church (Living Word Chapel in West Hurley, New York) are encouraged to teach and there are visiting pastors who stop by our church, I also study the Bible on my own and love sharing what I learn. One other passion is writing. My current work in process is a memoir. A scene from my memoir was published in a book called: Heavenly Company: Entertaining Angels Unaware - an anthology of angelic encounters compiled by Cecil Murphy. I'm hoping my memoir will encourage other survivors of abuse. I grew up in a home filled with abuse, including incest. For most of my life I was searching for something that would fill the void of not being loved by my parents. I tried many ways to find that love -- therapy, relationships, occult studies, and keeping my life so filled I had no way to think about my past. It was only when I discovered God that I was able to put the pieces of my life back together and walk forward in a joyous life. My nickname - wondering has changed from wondering where the heck God was in my life, to wondering what incredible adventure is going to happen next. I hope you enjoy my site. Please say hi, share some thoughts, and ask questions. I look forward to meeting you and checking out your sites. Have a blessed day. Heather
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