Personal stuff – needs – testimony

Sunday, January 23, 2005
NeedsI was thinking today about how tough I was on the therapists I saw as a young adult. My first contact with a therapist was after a foiled suicide attempt. That therapist saved my life and actually bent the rules to keep seeing me for longer than the six months that was the stint of the usual clinic setting. He helped me to sort out things. Of course I was rather conflicted and by that time (age 18) I was into the occult and witchcraft. Therapists tend to take a dim view of that subject in those days, so they wanted to make sure I wasn’t really losing touch with reality. I remember being the center of a group of therapists assessing my mental state. Not so great being in the hot seat.

Medication did not do well with me either, I remember once being given an antidepresant which caused me to lose facial muscle control. So I gave up on medicine, but that was after I had collected a stockpile of sleeping pills and antidepressants to replace the draino of my suicide stash.

Because seeing doctors in a clinic setting meant that the relationship was short-lived, I became adept at telling my story in a sort of dah, dah, dah, dah fashion. Had it down to a one session, but no emotion attached. At that time there was never any emotion attached to any statements I made to them. I had learned early on that showing emotions meant that my life would be lost, I had many beatings to drum that lesson into me. I did not dare let one emotion slip. So I told the tale, which at that time was rather sparser than what I know now, so many memories were buried and I wasn’t digging there, no way, no how. So it was rather clincial. The doctors seemed more interesting in medicating me and keeping me from killing myself. But not much change occurred.

I remember one time when I also had to sit through a group therapy session (my first and last) and I was stuck next to a woman who was the epitome of my mother and sister, and pushed me so deeply down inside that I didn’t surface for air for a long time. Never went back to group therapy period.

As I got older and went through more of the therapists, I finally divorced my husband (the one who is now dead) and got a job on my own. I was then able to afford a therapist that I could keep seeing not through a clinic. I was so needy with this therapist that I ran him through the wringer. I don’t know where he is now, but if I did, I would apologize. He could do nothing to please the neediness inside. He didn’t say the right words, ask the right questions, or respond in ways that would fulfill the gaping needs inside.

Of course, needy as I was, I wanted him to do this instinctively and saw it as tremendously uncaring that he did not respond the way I wanted him to. I was very suicidal at the time, so often had panic phone calls with him, and I guess he tried hard to appease me, but probably was as baffled by my behavior and frustrated as I was with his. It also didn’t help that he was seeing my roommate as a patient as well. The best thing he did was to encourage me to write things, and I began journalling, a thing I am doing again through Xanga and also I wrote an autobiography. It was pretty good, but at the time I wrote it there were many tell-all autobiographies about sexual abuse. I sent it off and got two personal letters from editors and one from an author, but the market wasn’t there. Right now the book is sitting in my pastor’s office. He does not want me to have it back because of all the pain inside, but wants me to re-write it to reflect how to spiritually handle what one went through. Not ready to do that yet.

The last therapist I had was more in control of the therapy situation, in that he did not let me take control with emotional games, and I guess we went the furthest. It was there that I uncovered just what went on in my past and was able to see my mother’s role in what happened to me. It was incredibly painful times, and I even cried a few times in his office. Something never before that had happened. By crying I meant a few tears. But inside there was so much conflict. This therapist is the one that I asked if I had kids did he think I would abuse them. He told me no, and he was right. I have not abused my kids. I was fully prepared to have an abortion if he had any thought that I might have abused my kids.

Well marriage and kids put therapy on hold for a long time. But the memories and hurts do not stay buried even though there is business, and the pain, hurt and depression eventually emerged again.

Now I am blessed with a pastor who is also a pastoral counselor and we have really sorted out issues. By no means am I near the end of the journey, but it is funny how, when God is in the mix, so much more is accomplished.

I guess writing this is because I realize that I treat God pretty much like I treated my therapists. I tend to not let him hear my real feelings about issues, tend to push the emotions down, not want to draw attention to myself, not share all that I really should share. I want something from God, but don’t know what it is, how to ask him, how to reach out to him and if he reached out to me I would run scared. I hope I am not driving God crazy, but there is so much neediness and I don’t know how to get those needs filled by God or anyone else for that matter. Perhaps the damage is too deep. Perhaps there is no healing possible, perhaps it is as hopeless as I feel.

I wish I knew what to articulate about the needs I had, I guess that would make asking God easier.


About Heather Marsten

Welcome to Heather's Blog. I'm looking forward to meeting you and checking out your sites. I just moved about nine years of material over from another blog site, Xanga, who may close down mid-July. At first I was disappointed to make the move because I had a lifetime membership at Xanga and had to spend weeks transferring posts. But now I'm thrilled. Already I've met new bloggers and read many new websites. Blogging is a wonderful way to expand my horizons and garner new ideas. I'm a happily married mom of three young adults. My husband and I are proud to watch our children grow and venture out into the world. My daughter is still in college but my two sons have graduated. One has a job and the other just graduated and is in the process of finding a job in his field, physics. Anyone know of any jobs out there? I'm proud of our children and love watching them grow and mature. They've become fine, compassionate, and loving people. Empty nest? Nah, I'm too busy to let an empty nest bother me. Not enough hours in the day. My husband and I enjoy quiet time together and I have many interests to pursue - one of which is blogging :D I am a born-again believer and love God. As you read this blog, you will discover that Bible studies thrill me. There is so much wisdom contained between the covers of the Bible and I am fortunate to sit under the teachings of a remarkable pastor, Pastor Don Moore. Members of our church (Living Word Chapel in West Hurley, New York) are encouraged to teach and there are visiting pastors who stop by our church, I also study the Bible on my own and love sharing what I learn. One other passion is writing. My current work in process is a memoir. A scene from my memoir was published in a book called: Heavenly Company: Entertaining Angels Unaware - an anthology of angelic encounters compiled by Cecil Murphy. I'm hoping my memoir will encourage other survivors of abuse. I grew up in a home filled with abuse, including incest. For most of my life I was searching for something that would fill the void of not being loved by my parents. I tried many ways to find that love -- therapy, relationships, occult studies, and keeping my life so filled I had no way to think about my past. It was only when I discovered God that I was able to put the pieces of my life back together and walk forward in a joyous life. My nickname - wondering has changed from wondering where the heck God was in my life, to wondering what incredible adventure is going to happen next. I hope you enjoy my site. Please say hi, share some thoughts, and ask questions. I look forward to meeting you and checking out your sites. Have a blessed day. Heather
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