|I have been so touched lately by the outpouring of care and concern on my fears, doubts, and questions about God. I suppose that if there was ever a manifestation of God on the earth, it would be the love shown here.Abba, people seem to feel so close to God, so close that they, like Jesus, call him Abba. I wouldn’t dare do that. Erik Erickson mentions in his books that if a person is to develop basic trust they have to have experienced unconditional love. I would guess that the Abba of people’s experience is that kind of a God, but how does one relate to unconditional love if it was never a part of your experience.
In a recent Bible study our teacher drew three triangles on the blackboard
at the apex, the point of one triangle was spirit, with the base being soul and body.
triangle 2’s apex was soul with the base being spirit and body
Triangle 3’s apex was body, with the base being spirit and soul
The questions was who is in control (at the apex), in healthy spiritual life Christ is in control speaking through our spirit to direct our soul (mind and emotions) and body.
Any other configuration is unbalanced and unstable.
Well, this person here is very unbalanced and unstable. I think that for me the problem is CONTROL.
If you grow up in an abusive household you do not have control, or if you find a way to get control it is not of the healthy kind. In my household my parents held the control, did the abuse. The only methods I had for survival was to learn to control my emotions and expressions, to store away some draino for a quick exit if things got too bad (the only poison I could get my hands on at 8), and to go so far inside with anything that was childlike, tender and sensitive so that it could not be destroyed by them. Also to make sure that if something really mattered I would act as if it did not matter because if they knew it mattered, it would be used as a weapon against me.
Problem is, I ended up with the priority of finding a way to be in control to protect my life. Now Christ is here wanting to be in control, to be the authority in my life, and the idea of relinquishing control to Him is so difficult.
No matter how much I read the Bible, read about Christ, I am having a difficult time feeling that He can be trusted with control in my life. It boils down to why He didn ‘t protect me back then. Until I find out that answer, I think I have dug my heels in about turning over control.
Of course, logically, I sure made a mess of my life so my control isn’t all that great either, and I know that there are many things that I have no control over.
I think the biggest fear is that if I reach out to Christ and He doesn’t respond, then I am left with absolutely nothing. At least now I have the illusion that if I reached out maybe Christ would answer. What if I reach out and He doesn’t. Better to pretend I guess.
Still snowing, six inches on the ground. kids are having fun with it though, and I should take out stock in hot chocolate.
Have a great Sunday, and thanks for listening.
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