Personal thoughts – who is in control?

Saturday, January 22, 2005
I have been so touched lately by the outpouring of care and concern on my fears, doubts, and questions about God. I suppose that if there was ever a manifestation of God on the earth, it would be the love shown here.Abba, people seem to feel so close to God, so close that they, like Jesus, call him Abba. I wouldn’t dare do that. Erik Erickson mentions in his books that if a person is to develop basic trust they have to have experienced unconditional love. I would guess that the Abba of people’s experience is that kind of a God, but how does one relate to unconditional love if it was never a part of your experience.

In a recent Bible study our teacher drew three triangles on the blackboard

at the apex, the point of one triangle was spirit, with the base being soul and body.

triangle 2’s apex was soul with the base being spirit and body

Triangle 3’s apex was body, with the base being spirit and soul

The questions was who is in control (at the apex), in healthy spiritual life Christ is in control speaking through our spirit to direct our soul (mind and emotions) and body.

Any other configuration is unbalanced and unstable.

Well, this person here is very unbalanced and unstable. I think that for me the problem is CONTROL.

If you grow up in an abusive household you do not have control, or if you find a way to get control it is not of the healthy kind. In my household my parents held the control, did the abuse. The only methods I had for survival was to learn to control my emotions and expressions, to store away some draino for a quick exit if things got too bad (the only poison I could get my hands on at 8), and to go so far inside with anything that was childlike, tender and sensitive so that it could not be destroyed by them. Also to make sure that if something really mattered I would act as if it did not matter because if they knew it mattered, it would be used as a weapon against me.

Problem is, I ended up with the priority of finding a way to be in control to protect my life. Now Christ is here wanting to be in control, to be the authority in my life, and the idea of relinquishing control to Him is so difficult.

No matter how much I read the Bible, read about Christ, I am having a difficult time feeling that He can be trusted with control in my life. It boils down to why He didn ‘t protect me back then. Until I find out that answer, I think I have dug my heels in about turning over control.

Of course, logically, I sure made a mess of my life so my control isn’t all that great either, and I know that there are many things that I have no control over.

I think the biggest fear is that if  I reach out to Christ and He doesn’t respond, then I am left with absolutely nothing. At least now I have the illusion that if I reached out maybe Christ would answer. What if I reach out and He doesn’t. Better to pretend I guess.

Still snowing, six inches on the ground. kids are having fun with it though, and I should take out stock in hot chocolate.

Have a great Sunday, and thanks for listening.

Heather

About Heather Marsten

Welcome to Heather's Blog. I'm looking forward to meeting you and checking out your sites. I just moved about nine years of material over from another blog site, Xanga, who may close down mid-July. At first I was disappointed to make the move because I had a lifetime membership at Xanga and had to spend weeks transferring posts. But now I'm thrilled. Already I've met new bloggers and read many new websites. Blogging is a wonderful way to expand my horizons and garner new ideas. I'm a happily married mom of three young adults. My husband and I are proud to watch our children grow and venture out into the world. My daughter is still in college but my two sons have graduated. One has a job and the other just graduated and is in the process of finding a job in his field, physics. Anyone know of any jobs out there? I'm proud of our children and love watching them grow and mature. They've become fine, compassionate, and loving people. Empty nest? Nah, I'm too busy to let an empty nest bother me. Not enough hours in the day. My husband and I enjoy quiet time together and I have many interests to pursue - one of which is blogging :D I am a born-again believer and love God. As you read this blog, you will discover that Bible studies thrill me. There is so much wisdom contained between the covers of the Bible and I am fortunate to sit under the teachings of a remarkable pastor, Pastor Don Moore. Members of our church (Living Word Chapel in West Hurley, New York) are encouraged to teach and there are visiting pastors who stop by our church, I also study the Bible on my own and love sharing what I learn. One other passion is writing. My current work in process is a memoir. A scene from my memoir was published in a book called: Heavenly Company: Entertaining Angels Unaware - an anthology of angelic encounters compiled by Cecil Murphy. I'm hoping my memoir will encourage other survivors of abuse. I grew up in a home filled with abuse, including incest. For most of my life I was searching for something that would fill the void of not being loved by my parents. I tried many ways to find that love -- therapy, relationships, occult studies, and keeping my life so filled I had no way to think about my past. It was only when I discovered God that I was able to put the pieces of my life back together and walk forward in a joyous life. My nickname - wondering has changed from wondering where the heck God was in my life, to wondering what incredible adventure is going to happen next. I hope you enjoy my site. Please say hi, share some thoughts, and ask questions. I look forward to meeting you and checking out your sites. Have a blessed day. Heather
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